Black and White
by Dragonfly-Moonlight
Summary: Eiri receives a visitor.
1. Part 1

Disclaimer: I do not own Gravitation.  
Author's Note: Story's full title is Black and White - Trying to Read Between Blurred Lines.

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Eiri let out a growl of frustration. He high-lighted a large section of text then promptly hit the "delete" key on his laptop. For some reason, the words were eluding him, and his thoughts for his latest novel were a jumbled mess. No matter how hard he tried, he could not form a single, coherent thought for long. The twelve cans of beer lining the right side of his desk might have had something to do with his inability to write, but Eiri chose to ignore them. Beer had never hindered his writing before. It wasn't about to start, in his estimation.

However, half an hour later, the screen remained blank and his mind remained addled. The words simply were not coming to him. If they did, they read like sap-ridden drivel of many American romance novels he'd come across. How anyone could stand to read crap, Eiri would never know, and he began to think that maybe, just maybe, he'd had one beer too many.

He let out a sigh then pushed himself away from the desk. It was obvious he wasn't going to get any writing done for the day. Eiri knew from past experience it was often best to leave his work alone when the flow had become nothing more than a trickle here and there, lest the piece resemble something he didn't care about. Lately, though, his work had been suffering, more than it had in years prior. At least before, when he felt the poorly formed words coming to him, he could take a drink of beer or coffee, or even go out for a walk to clear his head. He couldn't do that now, for some reason. The beer simply got him drunk, the coffee strung him out, and the walks made his knees ache. Nothing seemed to work anymore, and it aggravated Eiri to no end.

"Maybe you should try and take a break from writing once in a while, like a vacation or something," a soft voice commented. "Get away for a while and let your mind rest. It'll do you some good."

"What the fuck would you know?" he snarled, whirling around to face his visitor. The sound of that voice had surprised him. Eiri had not heard the front door opening and closing, which had completely unnerved him. Shuichi stood in the door to his study, a sad smile on his features. "Better yet, what the fuck are you doing here? I thought we agreed it was over."

"I know time heals all wounds, Eiri. Time makes anything possible. And you're right. We agreed it was over. But we also agreed we'd try to be friends," Shuichi murmured, stepping into the room. The vocalist had a point. They had agreed to at least try and be friends.

"That doesn't tell me why you're here."

"True. It doesn't."

"So why are you here?" Eiri demanded, sitting up in his chair and his tone softening. Despite the amount of beer he'd consumed, he still saw pain shimmering in his former lover's eyes. He hated to see them. Eiri had always hated to see pain in Shuichi's eyes. He felt worthless, helpless when he saw any type of hurt on Shuichi's face, and the strong desire to protect the younger man, to shield him from the cruelty of the world, surged through Eiri. When he saw that pain, he just wanted to rip out the throat of the person who had hurt Shuichi like this. Unfortunately, most of the time, when he and Shuichi had been together, the person who had been inflicting the pain had been Eiri.

"Facing a cold, bitter truth."


	2. Part 2

"Facing a cold, bitter truth?" Eiri echoed, raising an eyebrow at his former lover. A frown touched his features, and he rose to his feet. "What's that supposed to mean?"

"It means," Shuichi said with a sigh, "that I'm waking up, I guess, to everything around me. I don't know. I can't explain it."

Eiri held out his arms to Shuichi. Though they were no longer lovers, every now and then they needed someone to hold, someone to comfort them and to say the things they needed to hear. Whether they wanted to hold or to be held, or to hear harsh words was another story entirely, but theirs had always been an odd relationship. He waited.

Reluctantly, Shuichi crossed the room, tears forming in his eyes before streaming down his cheeks. He didn't run to Eiri anymore or fling himself at the author when the tears came. Those days were over, and had been for several months now. Eiri had no regrets. Rather, he didn't have many regrets about the end of his and Shuichi's relationship. They had done a great deal together, laughing, crying, shouting, and general living. They had learned from each other, learned what they truly desired, and knew the time had come for them to move on. It had had to come to end, after all. There were no such things as happy endings in real life, no matter how hard anyone tried to spin such an ending. Every now and then, he'd wonder what life would be like if they hadn't agreed to go separate ways. Would they be able to talk freely with each other as they did now? Would they still be able to handle the other's career and the demands such careers made? More importantly, would they be happy with each other and be able to continue nurturing what the other needed? Then he'd scoff at himself and firmly scold the side that missed Shuichi to forget about it. The road not taken did not apply to them, and hadn't for a long time now. They were better off as friends.

Once Shuichi was in his arms, Eiri wrapped them tightly around the younger man and closed his eyes. The lithe form pressed next to him trembled slightly, and sobs started to pour forth at a slow rate.

As his former lover cried himself out, Eiri steered them to the closest wall. These situations never happened frequently, but the two had found it a lot easier just to stay in one room and lean against a wall, Shuichi nestled comfortably in Eiri's arms. It was how they ended up when the feelings of loneliness and self-loathing hit them, and this time would be no different. Eiri needed a distraction, and Shuichi needed someone to cry freely to about his troubles. Yes, hearing Shuichi cry still grated on Eiri's nerves, but it still offered some form of continuity to his life. The vocalist's troubles were usually simple things that were easily remedied.

Sure enough, half an hour later, Eiri's back rested against the wall. Shuichi's head lay against his chest, the vocalist finally shedding the last of his tears. Now that the waterworks were over, discussions could begin in earnest.

"What's going on, Shuichi?"

"Nothing, anymore."

"Anymore?" Eiri raised an eyebrow at that.

"Yeah . . ." Shuichi let out a sigh and adjusted himself, sitting up a little straighter than before. Amethyst eyes gazed up at him. "I've made some decisions, Eiri. Some big ones, and a lot of people are going to hate me for what I'm about to do."

"Is that what's bothering you?"

"In a way, yes," came the reply. Shuichi lowered his gaze. "Things are just getting to be so crazy anymore. I feel like I can't even breathe even though I know I am. I can feel my chest move each time I take a breath, but it doesn't feel like I'm getting enough air. I don't understand it."

They were silent for a few moments, Eiri digesting everything Shuichi had said. He couldn't breathe yet he was still breathing. It made no sense, but the mind worked in mysterious ways. Shuichi's hindered ability to breathe was probably stress-induced anyway.

"How long?" he inquired.

Shuichi paused then drew a deep breath.

"A little over three months now."

"And it never occurred to you you might be having a panic attack?" Eiri inquired.

"It did."

"Are you still having this problem?"

"Yeah."

"Then why . . ."

"Because they're not panic attacks, Eiri. I've already talked to someone about this. I'm not having panic attacks. My chest never hurts when the feeling of not being able to breathe hits. I just can't breathe."

"So what's been going on to cause this?"

Shuichi drew a deep breath . . .


	3. Part 3

"No one believes me anymore," Shuichi murmured.

"No one believes you?" Eiri echoed, raising an eyebrow at Shuichi's quiet confession. "What are they not believing?"

"That it's truly over between you and me," Shuichi said, letting out a sigh. "Every time I have an off day, it gets blamed on you and it's driving me nuts. Everyone keeps telling me to get over whatever's happened between you and me, and to move on. They're tired of our fights affecting my work, and they don't believe me when I say I haven't spoken to you. It's like I'm talking to a couple of brick walls."

Eiri had to refrain from making a biting remark about Shuichi's dilemma with his band mates. He didn't really give a damn if anyone believed things were over between he and Shuichi or not. Their opinions didn't matter all that much to the novelist anyway, and he also felt that, if they chose to ignore the telltale signs – Shuichi no longer lived with Eiri and hadn't for several months. Last Eiri had heard, Shuichi now lived with Tohma, Eiri's former brother-in-law – then it only showed just how truly idiotic they were.

However, Shuichi was not Eiri. A biting, scathing comment could reduce the singer to a fountain of tears. Shuichi needed approval, validation for everything he did and from those closest to him. Eiri understood that as did Hiro, Shuichi's best friend.

Or were they now? Eiri couldn't really say. It had been five weeks since he and Shuichi had last spoken to each other, and Eiri found he didn't know about his former lover as much as he used to know. It wasn't unusual, really, but they'd kept in contact better than what they probably should have. Their last few months together had not been pretty.

"The only one who really believes me is Tohma."

"Naturally," Eiri said, trying to control his emotions. "You're living with him, aren't you?"

"Yeah . . . We are, and I think that's the only thing that helps anymore." Shuichi let out a sigh. "He's the one who insisted I go talk to someone about what's been going on. Or at least take a break and get my bearings back. He knows about my apartment . . . like you do."


	4. Part 4

"He knows about your apartment, huh?" For some reason, Eiri couldn't find it in him to be surprised by that tiny revelation. Tohma had a very bad habit of knowing just about everything about everyone who had come into his life. The older man also had a nasty habit of being a control freak.

"Yeah . . . He probably followed me or had me followed . . . like you did when you found out about it."

Ah yes. Eiri remembered how he had found out about Shuichi's apartment. It had been the first time Eiri had ever followed anyone somewhere, and he hadn't exactly been discreet when he had tailed behind the vocalist. They'd just had a nasty fight, and Shuichi had fled the place they shared. It had been raining that night, and Eiri had believed the vocalist was going over to his best friend's house. Despite the bitter and angry words lingering between them, he had wanted to make sure Shuichi got to Hiro's safe and sound. He'd been shocked to find Shuichi heading somewhere else, and he'd been jealous, extremely jealous. After Shuichi had gone inside and had headed up, Eiri had entered the building and talked to the man at the lobby desk.

Fortunately for him, Shuichi hadn't noticed him. Shuichi hadn't known he'd been followed until the building supervisor had informed him Eiri had paid him a visit. The novelist was certain the man had said something to Shuichi about Eiri inquiring about him. The man had seemed rather protective of the singer, or at least protective of Shuichi's privacy. Nothing had been said, however, once Shuichi had returned home. In fact, Shuichi's refuge (and Eiri knew that it was. The building supervisor had flat out informed him of as much) had never been mentioned until now.

"It's kind of scary," Shuichi continued. "You and Tohma both know about the place and no one else does . . . It's scary how close you two are to me, and how well you both you understand me . . . He knew. He knew I needed some space, some time to think."

Eiri found Shuichi's amethyst gaze on him.

"Tohma suggested that I go there to think things over."


	5. Part 5

"Are you going to? Go to your apartment, that is," Eiri said, his fingers idly caressing swirls on Shuichi's arms. He couldn't help himself, really. Shuichi had an irresistable charm about him, something that made Eiri want to touch the singer. "Or have you already been there?"

"Already been," Shuichi replied, sighing a little. "Like I said, I made some decisions, some very important ones, and a lot of people are going to be really pissed off at me."

"They'll get over it."

"Eventually, yeah," the singer agreed. "At least, I hope they will. And I hope they'll understand, too. I can't keep living like this. It wears me out."

"I know," Eiri murmured. "I know."

They fell silent for a few moments, and Eiri listened to the sound of Shuichi breathing. The singer had calmed considerably since crying himself out. It wasn't like how things used to be. Before, the moment Shuichi stopped crying, he would be all smiles and bounce around the apartment in a gleeful, manic mood. He'd always had a zeal for life, and it had gotten the singer, and Eiri, through many dark moments in their lives. Now, Shuichi's manic behaviour had been tempered, thanks to a number of disappointments and Shuichi blaming himself for whatever happened to have gone wrong. This time around appeared to be no different.

"What is your decision, Shuichi?"

"Are you sure you want to know this, Eiri? I haven't told anyone else yet, not even Tohma."

He almost hesitated. He knew what the repurcussions would be for Shuichi if anyone found out the novelist had learned of a major decision before anyone else learned. It would also fuel the belief the two had reunited, and the media would have a field day.

However, Eiri hadn't hesitated. He didn't care if people thought he and Shuichi were back together. They were still morons in his mind.

"Yes, I do. You said that's why you were here. Facing a cold, bitter truth. So you might as well spill it. I'm going to hear about it anyway."

"True," Shuichi conceded, his tone becoming impossibly quiet. "So very true."

"So what is it? What have you decided that's going to piss off so many people?"

The vocalist drew a deep breath then spoke in that some impossibly quiet tone.

"I'm disbanding Bad Luck."


	6. Part 6

"You're . . . disbanding Bad Luck?"

He hadn't meant for it to sound like an echo, but the words reverberated around in his head, his mind unable to truly grasp what Shuichi was saying. The singer was going to break apart the one thing that had meant everything to him, even after the final split. To hear Shuichi say he was going to end it was rather mind-numbing.

"Yeah . . . It needs to be done. We're at a breaking point. If it doesn't happen now, it will at some other point and things might be too far gone to ever be healed. I don't want that, Eiri. They're my friends and they deserve better than that from me!"

"You deserve better from them, too," Eiri replied, his tone laced with irritation. If there was anything he did _not_ miss about Shuichi, it was the vocalist's ability to turn things on himself and put all of the blame for whatever situation onto his own shoulders. There were times it didn't even cross Shuichi's mind that he might not be the one who needed to feel guilty, and it pissed Eiri off to no end when his former lover was in a mood like this. "Believe it or not, you're not the only guilty of whatever's been going on, you baka. When are you going to get that through your head?"

"They've put up with a lot of shit from me, Eiri."

"So? What else is new?" Eiri snorted. "You'd think by now they'd have gotten used to your theatrics _and_ that they'd know when a relationship is affecting you and when it isn't."

"They do know when a relationship is affecting me," Shuichi murmured, his tone barely audible. "That's why they've been blaming you for my off-days. I've been seeing someone else, Eiri."


	7. Part 7

Before he could say anything about the new bombshell Shuichi had just dropped on him – the singer was suddenly full of surprises – Shuichi pulled away from him and turned to face Eiri. His expression was one of utmost seriousness, and his face had dried. Eiri couldn't even tell the vocalist had been crying. The only indication he truly had that his former lover had been in tears was the wetness on his shirt.

When they were face to face, Shuichi tilted his head, his eyes shimmering with slight confusion.

"It surprises you that I'm with someone new . . . why?"

Eiri found his mouth moving but no sounds were coming forth. It was strange, this feeling of speechlessness, and Eiri found he didn't like it. Not when it was Shuichi who had caused him to be in such a state. Of course, he hated it when Tohma had that effect on him, too. Perhaps Shuichi was picking up on some of Tohma's traits?

Finally, Eiri got his voice to work. It felt like hours later, but that made no difference to the novelist. He'd let Shuichi know what he thought either way.

"It doesn't."

"Yes, it does," Shuichi murmured. "I could tell. Your arms tensed up all of a sudden. Why does it surprise you, Eiri? You know I hate being alone."

"Is that why you're in a relationship now? You hate being alone?"

"Kind of," the singer replied, his words vague. "I mean I like him. I like him a lot, and I like how I feel around him. But it took me a while to even realize what was going on inside me. It sounds lame and stupid and so much like me, I know but . . ." Shuichi's hands flailed a little, an indication of his frustration.

"You wanted to be sure before you jumped into anything," Eiri murmured. "Be sure of your own heart. Right?"

"Yeah. I did. It was scary, realizing what my friends knew before I even knew." Shuichi let out a soft sigh then lowered his gaze. "They don't need any more shit from me. They really don't. They do deserve better than that. It doesn't help we're getting so stressed out, either. I think . . ." He drew a deep breath. "I think this is for the best."

"You mean the same way our split was for the best?"


	8. Part 8

"Yeah." Shuichi nodded his head after a moment's pause. "I do."

Eiri sat there for a moment, his arms still wrapped loosely around Shuichi, and he considered everything the vocalist had just told him. He was in a new relationship, and things were getting bad with Hiro and Suguru. Things were getting so messed up that Shuichi intended to let go of the one thing he had cared about the most, next to Eiri. The novelist shook his head, a wry smile touching his features.

"What?" Shuichi asked. "What are you thinking?"

"How ironic life can be," he replied, tilting his head back. "You let me go then you decide to disband Bad Luck. It almost seems like Karma."

"Like Karma? Are you feeling all right?" The vocalist pressed the back of one hand to Eiri's forehead. "This is so unlike you."

"So is you disbanding Bad Luck," Eiri shot back. "Does your new lover know any of this?"

"No. Not yet, though I think he suspects it's coming. He's smart like that. He sees what's going on every day."

Eiri glanced back at Shuichi. The singer's expression was pensive yet somehow now relieved. It was as if he had just gotten rid of a burden he could no longer bear. Perhaps he had, too. The author really could not say for certain, but he knew of at least one thing he could do for his former lover.

A tiny smile touched his features as he leaned over and kissed Shuichi on the cheek. The singer's head tilted in curiosity at the gesture.

"Do what you need to do," Eiri said, leaning back.

"I don't necessarily like what I need to do," Shuichi murmured.

"Who does?" Eiri shrugged. "Sometimes doing what needs to be done is hard, and it will piss people off. You said it yourself, Shu. Hiro and Suguru are not going to like your decision, but eventually they'll see that it's a good thing. Just don't do to them like you did to me."

"I won't scream at them. I promise."

"Good. Now . . . who is it that you're seeing?"

Shuichi smiled in an enigmatic manner as he rose to his feet. It was the same smile that sometimes emerged from the singer and had left Eiri feeling weak in the knees. This time was no different, and Eiri wondered, if only for a brief moment, if he would ever truly get over Shuichi. The vocalist had promised to always be there for him, and Eiri hated to think that whoever this new lover was, he would get in the way of what he and Shuichi had once had between them.

"I think I better not say, Eiri."

"Why?" Eiri rose to his feet as well and brushed invisible dust off his butt. "You afraid I'm going to threaten him?"

"You already have threatened him," Shuichi said. "You did that the moment you found out I'd moved in with him."

"Tohma?" Eiri thought the revelation should have shocked him, but for some reason it did not, unlike Shuichi's other confessions.

"Yeah . . . guess I just prefer blonds after all," Shuichi murmured with a slight laugh. His amethyst-coloured eyes glittered, happiness returning to them once more. Eiri felt his spirits lift in seeing the singer as he was supposed to be. Happy.

"I better get going and let you get back to work. I know you have a deadline and all." Shuichi paused for a moment then stood on his toes and kissed Eiri back on the cheek. "Thank you. You don't know how much this means to me."

'I think I do,' Eiri thought as the singer turned to go. His heart felt as if it would break all over again as Shuichi disappeared from his sight, but in the end he knew he would be all right. He had something that no one else could ever claim, and that was he was the first to have been loved, truly loved, by one Shuichi Shindou. The lines had been blurred for a while there, the world having turned into dull shades of black and white. They still were blurred but they were slowly clearing. It was a lame way of thinking, in Eiri's mind, but it was also appropriate.

He stood there for a few moments more before turning around and heading back to his laptop. His novels did not write themselves, and Eiri now felt more focused. He sat down and resumed his typing as if Shuichi had never been there.


End file.
